My memoir RISK includes many exciting stories about the adventure sport of whitewater paddling. But the theme of my memoir is just as much about coping with childhood trauma.
We are all born into innocence, and it is shocking how easily it can be disrupted. Childhood trauma comes in many forms, but basically, it is any set of circumstances in which children spend a portion of their childhood not feeling safe or secure. The impacts of trauma on childhood development can occur from birth through puberty and may be both dramatic and insidious.
Outcomes are experienced during and long after the trauma occurs, and as I have found, usually persist throughout one's adult life. For those who experience destructive outcomes (addiction, various forms and degrees of mental illness, or self-defeating personality traits), it takes some really hard work to cultivate the self-awareness and tools to overcome tendencies that do not serve one well.
There are many ways individuals can find a path to cope with the impacts of childhood trauma through seeking passionate interests and community. RISK is about the power of outdoor adventure through the sport of whitewater paddling to provide my path. Through my Dad, I initially traveled this path unconsciously to cope with the trauma resulting from the devastating impact of my mom's illness on our family. This path became a significant source of grounding for me throughout my life.
However, as soon as I started my unexpected parenting journey, it did not take long to realize how prominently that scared, anxious child was still hiding deep inside my psyche. Continuing to engage my son and me in paddle sports was a key component of my parenting strategy, but it could not work independently. I had to work hard with counselors, put in hours of internet research and self-reflection, and take parenting classes to learn critical skills.
Fortunately, I have had the benefit of decades of research on this topic. It has been a lifeline.
When I started parenting my son/nephew at age four, he presented delayed social and emotional development from the very beginning as a result of his early childhood trauma. He was diagnosed with mild autism, ADHD, and oppositional defiance disorder. Although he was by no means on the extreme ends of the spectrum of these conditions (it could have been much worse), it was present enough to be disruptive at school and home.
When Seth was in the second grade, I received my first instruction manual through a parenting course offered through county family services. It is a book I keep going back to over and over.
'Loving Solutions. A Parent's Guide to Raising Tough Kids (Special Applications to ADD/ADHD Kids)'. (https://parentproject.com/loving-solutions/)
The role-playing I participated in with two other couples and the course instructor over the ten hours of the class (five Mondays, two hours each) was awkward. It was hard to embrace and execute the six, for the love of God, SIX step process to communicate with our 'tough' children through episodes of unwanted behavior.
The steps of the 'I Love Messages' communication process are:
I LOVE – tell the child how much you love them. (and when older, respect them)
I SEE – describe specific observable unwanted behavior.
I FEEL – tell the child how you feel about their behavior.
LISTEN – just listen to your child's response. (No matter how freaking awful it is, just listen)
I WANT – restate the family rule regarding the behavior.
I WILL – tell what you will do to support their success. This will include consequences but should also include incentives.
Christ, I can't tell you how many times I have struggled to get through all that when interacting with my son. Including adapting this process to the teenage brain, ensuring he feels respected as well as loved, and negotiating mutual responsibilities to support future success.
I quickly realized a significant character flaw I had in parenting my son. Impatience. I have never been a patient person. In fact, attempting to be patient makes me VERY irritated. During my career, I discovered that I tend to be quickly judgmental when I perceive other people's actions as inefficient, wrong, or lazy. I prided myself on my ability to figure out ways to cut through the bullshit and get tasks done faster and better (at least in my opinion).
My almost competitive approach was fine when the task I worked on was an individual effort, and I received plenty of accolades for those accomplishments. However, over time, I learned to slow down my impatient, competitive tendencies to work more productively in a team environment.
But this in no way prepared me for the level of patience I needed when my son insisted I tie his shoes (refusing to learn himself) and didn't want to do his schoolwork or fulfill his household chores. Much less the patience required to utilize the six-step "Loving Solutions" process in managing his frequent peer-to-peer conflicts at school.
I still constantly battle my impatient tendencies to avoid unhealthy and unproductive battles with my son. As he has exploded into puberty (age 14), our conflicts are sometimes more intense because now he is a crazy man-child. Testosterone is a potent and occasionally toxic substance.
Fortunately, our conflicts are also much rarer, and we have more productive conversations
afterward when we have both calmed down.
My son and I will have to work for the rest of our lives to control our edgy natures. We both easily get frustrated, impatient, or angry, especially when tired. But we also want to resolve our conflicts just as quickly, and we still always hug each other before saying goodnight.
My son is also discovering his own path for grounding, through a passion for music and it's community.
Childhood trauma cannot be swept under the table, and it often takes a lifetime of intention to not let it adversely affect the quality of your life and those around you. Although I have examined this stuff closely through the perspective of my family's personal history, I have also become ever more aware of how world events are disrupting the lives of thousands of children worldwide every day. The damage is real and will require collective awareness for individual and societal healing.
The next time you are around a child who is not easy, take a moment to consider why this might be and how you can help guide them through undesirable behavior. I am incredibly grateful for the adults in my life who 'get it' and have helped support my son and me in our less attractive moments.
Here are some suggestions for more resources on this topic. There is a wealth of information on the internet, and many schools and local government family services agencies provide helpful resources for free. However, I acknowledge that for many underserved populations, these resources are overwhelmed. So, please support state and local bonds that pay for these programs. I promise you that we will all be better off if they are available.
A long time ago, I accepted that success in life, whether at work, in sports, or in personal relationships, requires good hard work. It is best to embrace the process and then savor the joy that will result.
Your blog entry is a compelling and heartfelt reflection on dealing with childhood trauma and parenting challenges. It’s inspiring to see how you've used whitewater paddling and resources like Loving Solutions to navigate your journey. Your honesty about the struggles with impatience and the continuous effort required to manage both your and your son’s needs is truly impactful.
Your story highlights the importance of finding grounding activities and seeking support, and it offers hope and practical advice for others facing similar struggles. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Sue, your compassion, determination and honesty are so evident here and so appreciated. Thank you for your clear and insightful writing.